She took her shirt off and was broader than Dwight Howard.
cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
Definitely still drunk while signing the 'responsible adult' form at the hospital
We're upstairs smoking....the password is pineapple
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
I am taking a candle lit bath, blasting some tupac and smoking a fat bowl. This is how every night should end. Did you go take a piss in his car yet?
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
hey, i didnt think i could be this stupid either but you dont see ME getting all judgemental about it
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
Randomize
