you want me
i'd rather choke on a dick.
Wow that girl who lives a couple houses down is going out wearing butterfly wings a skirt and fishnets
Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
I've learned something. I regret way too may Tuesdays in my life to be normal
Why does it always end up with me crying in my car.
There's a guy in here whose face looks like it would be perfect between my legs.
We had three bowls going. It was a tri-bowl tournament. Harry potter shit.
He looks like he was the one that always had koolaid stains around his mouth as a kid, he can fuck off.
Let's play another riveting game of "Whose boxers are hanging on my fence?"
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
I woke up with a pube in my teeth...I'm disturbed cause we're both clean shaven
On a scale of one to ten how bad is it that the first cardio I've done in months is jogging to the bars?
I'll just go with dedication.
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
Randomize
