I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
Also, you need to stop getting hammered and taking showers with people.
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
I think he has some internal "man stuff" that keeps getting in the way.
Like alcoholism and general douchbagary.
Is it okay to get drunk at a baby shower? ....asking for a friend
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
I just got wasted for $3.50. My life can't get any better.
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