im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
his Mom's staying with him so he asked if I'd go over and fuck in his shed. he said "it's a really nice shed"
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
Ok I've processed it. Who the fuck makes out drunk in a parking lot in a backseat with the windows down in the middle of the day?!?!
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
About to throw up, bathroom line up, Bro sees me. Yells, 'PUKER GET OUT OF WAY' THEY ALL PARTED WAY THREW ME INTO A STALL AND CHEERED AS I THREW UP INTO THE TOILET. we are going back
Literally just napped at strip club. Don't know how long
I would go a lot of places to get laid. But I would NOT go to Staten Island.
Man, you got so high you own goaled yourself in FIFA then got up celebrating.
I JUST REALIZED THAT SINCE LEIA IS TECHNICALLY A PRINCESS AND KYLO REN IS HER SON AND STAR WARS IS OWNED BY DISNEY...KYLO REN IS LITERALLY A DISNEY PRINCE.
Oh my Gods. Why. Why did you have to tell me that. D:
SO YOU CAN SUFFER HAVING THAT KNOWLEDGE TOO.
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
I licked your asshole in confidence.