Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.
Yeah, but four times?
These Dirty People Haven’t Told Their SO About Their Kinky Fetish
My stomach is revolting cause i have put food in it and no alcohol.
I will pee on everything he values.
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
This is Why People Stop Sex Halfway Through
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
As we have told you before, the first rule of hook-up bingo is we don't talk about hook-up bingo
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
Was it you I was with where I saw a guy open a beer with his butt?
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
I had a dream involving the worlds smallest pony, an asphalt volcano, and jimi hendrix. Never smoking 3 bowls before bed again