You just compared our sex life to a seven year old kid.
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
People Are Arguing Over This Guy’s Petty Reaction To Splitting Lunch With His Co-Worker
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
Naturally, I just peed all over the floor. Two guys in front of me looked at me, but i just shrugged. They won't remember either.
I am NOT getting arrested in a wig.
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
I feel like I just tasted lung cancer.
Girl Logs Into Twitter Only To Find Out Her Dad Is Trending For The Most Outrageous Reason
When / where did the additional couches appear?
James brought one with him when he showed up. Theres still 2 outside and according to facebook, at least one more burned up.
Woke up in bushes at UT didn't know I was Austin last night
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
We dont have cups... so were doing shots out of bowls like puppies
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'