I thought she would fill the void you created. Turns out she thought I just wanted to fill hers.
and she was petting her beer can
I finally got her to squirt but it wasnt a stream, it came out in the form of mist. I felt like I was in rainforest cafe.
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
I'd appreciated it if you didn't lick my boyfriends face again. I'm askin nicely. Thank you.
story update. I'm locked out of my house. Walk of shame advisory extended...
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
My radar detector detects ice cream trucks. I think it was made for stoners
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
Randomize
