At least we don't have one night stands
True that. We sink our claws in our men.
giving a blow job on a jetski isn't as easy as it sounds.
He was so drunk that he tried to backflip off a baby chair.. How do you think that ended?
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
Based on your 5AM twitter activity I gather you found MORE FREE COKE??
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
He's hot, you can get laid, and you may get free drugs. It's the trifecta of banging a drug dealer
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
Randomize
