he was so hot that i framed the used condom. it's not trash, it's art.
there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
This soccer player girl is eating this banana WAY to slow. Too early for penis shaped foods.
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
My new hobby is moving his stuff to random places in the house. Good luck making a smoothing at 6:30 in the morning, the blender top's in the dog food container
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
He compared my ass to "a 13 year old track star's ass." Umm WTF? Is that supposed to be a compliment? And when I questioned boy or girl he said "either."
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
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