I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
He came, while we were making out fully clothed. I'm going to write a book.
The last thing I remember is sitting in a chair and him hand feeding me bell peppers
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
Everyone heard you scream that I was to be naked, in your bed in 5 minutes. We were one hell of a shitshow spectacle
He's holding a pee stick. Yes it's weird.
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
I answered the booty call in my Trophy Wife cutoff and my ex-boyfriends sweatpants with a bottle of jager.
and how was that received?
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
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