Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
FYI..good luck when you get back from work.. mom and dad know about the boy you brought home last night
haha good one..how did you even know?
we all know. he obviously didn't leave when you might have told him to.. he came down when we were eating because he coud smell mom's cooking. the dude ate with us and offered to say grace. so yeah, good luck.
he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
69 is so not fun when his penis is sporting a 70s hairstyle
You could say the cab driver was less than excited when we called his personal cell phone at 4am for directions back to our hotel after having blacked out at the club
I swear my vagina formed calluses just to deal with how big he is
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
You pole danced in your parka.
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
You were passed out by the toliet and when i said i had to pee you told me to piss in the sink. Never has a girl with alcohol poisoning been so rude.
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
I'm sorry i showed you my boobs.. I probably shouldn't have done that.
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
She pregamed while taking a shower. Came out clean and drunk.
Randomize
