you're putting all your eggs in a very hungover basket
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
And with me just getting pulled over and you maxing your card out on tennis balls I don't know if we can afford it
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
Drinking vodka and pirating music in the library. Welcome to finals week.
I was too drunk to remember throwing up so i probably didn't learn my lesson
Sorry that I was such a monster last night. It was the drugs, I promise.
On a scale from 1 to 10 how gross is it to get a chili dog from a vending machine?
Randomize
