i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
dude i was like still drunk, taking pictures of her while she was naked and asleep and she woke up
haha what'd she say
i don't know man, something about us dating. but i never talked to her sober so i said i was making breakfast and snuck out of her house. close calls man WTF
We had two amazing nights in a row...it was so weird...I couldn't even go to sleep cause I thought maybe it was just in his plot to kill me.
Random question, how's your gag reflex these days
My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
That's what happens when you park you car under a perfectly good balchony I can puke off of
Oh and you pulled your pants down outside in front of like five people, held my hand, then peed.
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
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