I'll collect that couch/porn sloopy beedge tomorrow just FYI
I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
So she said she wears a diaper when she's on her period and I'm not going to lie, I kind of want to see the diaper.
My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
I am not saying a eulogy for your vibrator.
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
Big girls don't cry they get day drunk
do you think our homemade porn will pass for my cinematography final?
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
It was like a baby arm holding another baby arm holding an apple grove. Fuckin huge!
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
I deleted your number after I found out you gave my brother head for drugs.
just woke up to an abnormally swollen ankle (broken, perhaps?) and a shirtless man with the most beautiful abs I've ever seen sleeping on my floor.
is your ankle ok??
WHY IS HE ON THE FLOOR. SINCE WHEN DOES BLACKOUT ME ALSO COCKBLOCK ME
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