Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
What can I say...he's packing some serious heat down there. You wouldn't expect that looking at him, huh?
I guess God knew he was going to be bald...
I understand. Hypothetically what should one do after throwing up in the shower?
Its piss that you smell... I borrowed that shirt last week. Sooo, wanna grab some laundry soap on your way home? And good luck on your date.
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
So I'm sitting at my desk and Thunderstruck came on my iPod. I then proceeded to drink coffee every time I heard thunderstruck. Who says you don't remember anything from college?
Well that's my green light to bang ur brother. Its not real til its on fb
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
you don't need to worry about using proper grammar if you're asking for the size of his dick.
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
The covid immunization shot lady also sold me a mondo bag of really good pot.
Randomize
