I can only be a whore so many days outta the week.
Samesies
Is it illegal to masterbate in an airport?
It's spring break, I'm sure it's ok.
he was already passed out before we got there, so i already knew i was going to like him
I dont know why people are racist. Both the mexicans and the irish gave us holidays where everyone drinks on a wednesday.
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us
This is Jewish guilt versus Irish Catholic guilt. We should tread carefully, or we could fuck up the space-time continuum or something.
I'm okay with that.
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
i puked in a jesus candle last night and then denied it... i'd say it was a pretty alright night
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