On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
You were so hammed, you asked your buddy in Economics to plot a demand curve for Parmesan Cheese.
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
Just sucked my third dick in the past twelve hours. I must want AIDS.
Trying to figure out when's a good time to take acid and not tell anyone and see how long it takes people to notice
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
So half of us were already throwing up outside when the Ukrainians ask us if we're ready to start partying yet. I love this country.
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
i don't know why he's complaining, i'm the one with four hickeys on my ass.
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
We got really high and he took a green marker and made my vagina into a Christmas tree.
so i realized that he's only my physical relationship and beer is my emotional relationship...
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