R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
In case you were unaware playing with rabbits on ecstasy is the greatest thing ever. I feel like I'm ODing on adorable right now.
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
You should make it a point to use vocabulary that is competition appropriate around him, like "champion" and "training" and "victory sex"
Its... i dont even know. theres lots of rap music and i cant find my shoes
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
fond memories of taking my pregnancy test here in this Burger King
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
i think i just lost a toe
You know more about his cock specs than his childhood. Proud of you
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
We could probably bang our way to enlightenment. However acid helps.
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
Randomize
