your head's too prwtty to be stuck in the books
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
yeah. you were just sitting there watching transformers, caressing your toaster.
Hes still not moving. At what point does 'hungover' become 'hospital-time?'
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
I think I just snorted head and shoulders by mistake.
Whatever she smells like compost and feathers.
I believe they call that patchouli.
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
He said we would have a beautiful daughter together. That way too much for a one night stand...
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
the second she challenged me to mario kart drinking game i knew i was in love
We did it to 80's cardio music. Talk about a workout.
is it too soon to tell him I'm available anytime for Christmas themed pity sex and I'll even wear a Santa hat?
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
I wasn’t trying, but work got a lot easier and more fun once he starred flirting with me and looking at my ass
Randomize
