I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
We decided I could make bicurious-jitos or ho-meh-jitos or heteroflexible-jitos. But not homojitos.
Oh my fucking god I saw the pictures. What the mother fucking fuck. Destroy the pictures. Destroy the fucking pictures.
Please confirm the destruction of the pictures. NOW.
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
Between my sister puke and rallying at the bar and my brother sending a drunk passed out naked pic in which his dick was exposed, I don't know which sibling to be more proud of this weekend.
You and the dog were competed for the water dish
For the record, rock bottom is where you start crying during porn because your ex used to slap your ass like that.. Continue on with your day now.
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
I still have a little drunk in my system
My vagina: 1 Male stubborness: 0
Is it a bad thing for a seven year old to call one an alcoholic? Asking for a friend..
Considering we almost incited a riot on behalf of LGBT rights I have to say that was the best time for our moral compass to turn south.
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
Randomize
