I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
the $50 fast cash from checking button should just be retitled "8th of weed"
Dude..TWLOHA day. gonna write LOVE on my arms before going to the bar tonight. its like a pussy guarantee.
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
can you just act like it's not so easy to get a blowjob from me??
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
I'm gonna eat you out. But for science
And thanks! There are perks to polyamory. And birthday orgies are one of them
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
I'm that daughter that had to send her mother "DON'T GET SHITFACED" & yes, in ALL CAPS.
I sent him home with blood on his fingers and shame in his heart.
Randomize
