i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
No, I'm talking to this Chinese girl. Can't understand a word she's saying, but i think i caught the word vagina a few times.
you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
singing james blunt while drunk. tell me thats not wonderful
i think the whole apartment complex could hear you beating off last night
Still waiting. He said he'd call between 2 and 10... apparently he's like the Comcast of drug dealers.
the extent of background information i have on her is minimal, but it will get me in her pants
i spent 45 minuets spilling my heart out to him telling him i was in love with this other guy sorry. when i was done he asked me to give him a blow job. i did. i have commitment problems
Don't get the hula weed. It makes you sleep walk in destructive and confusing ways. I'll explain on Saturday.
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
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