I looked at my own cervix.
I've been here 20 minutes and some creepy old man told me he wanted to know what my insides felt like. I hate gay bars.
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
i can now proudly say that ive peed off of a balcony overlooking the pacific ocean AND a balcony overlooking the atlantic ocean
Me and Phil are just drawing pictures of thumbs in different costumes during lecture. I love being a senior.
She passed out on the kitchen table with two mickeys forties duct taped to her hands. Clearly she is going to fit perfectly in your house this semester
Driving by his house every hour is not stalking, it's a reconnaissance mission... How else can I confront him
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
We don't know where he is but he left his pants and what appears to be a tooth here so he's gotta come back sometime
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT
Randomize
