Hey, what are you up to?
Drinking wine with the guys and watching 7 Pounds.
Looking back I guess I could have changed that to beer and Die Hard.
That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
I will not hesitate to go down on a dick for some cream soda.
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
Can rosie odonnell just not be a lesbian? Shes stressing me out, knowing we bat for the same team.
What did you two do last night and why did Sam send me a picture of your dick?
Bro, she said she wanteo to fuck me with my white Nike cap on so I resemble a douchebag. I think my choice of women might be coming into question
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
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