I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
She was asian and in a relationship... my two weaknesses
I want to give my boyfriend great head for his birthday...can i practice on you?
when she said she's going upstairs to put her "play clothes" on, I knew either she was a pervert or a kindergarten teacher. Either way, I wasn't going to leave. She's a pervert by the way.
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
Stop banging my friends. This is getting weird.
Stop being friends with hot 18 year old girls.
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
I just have to decide what I love more, food or dick.
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
Randomize
