ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
If u were an xman, what would ur power be? I would shoot lasers from my boobs.
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
I did the walk of shame in nothing but a sleeping bag and now I'm on my way to pick up plan B. Let's not make a habit of this.
Sounds like a good New Years
I caught a glimpse of his penis. I can only imagine what your mom's vagina goes through because of that penis
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
When you wake up on the bus on 139th but you're staying at 6th
133 to go
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
Randomize
