last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
I had some like war flashbacks of giving someone a handjob and i was trying to figure out who it was.
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
I did a hand stand against the glass wall at Ziggy's with no panties on and got 3 phone numbers. Thank God I shaved this morning...
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
What is your life?
A tangled mess of finals and bad decisions.
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
Which president had the biggest dick?
Take your time, I'll wait
If I take one more surprise finger up the ass this week there will be hell to pay.
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
He got mad at you last time bc you tried to rap battle him via text. This is strictly business.
Randomize
