Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
Thank you for the breast cancer awareness themed circle of death. Had it been any other time I would not have played topless.
Who faxed a picture of their penis to the office printer?!
I just sniffled when I woke up and got a bump of coke. I have never felt so good hung over.
Btw after this weekend the chipndales costume has a 125% success rate.
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
I woke up in Brittany's thong, Tony's shirt, and an oven mitt
So the day after the 4th I'm sitting here drinking Molson and watching NHL free agent frenzy. From patriotic American to drunken Canadian in 24 hours flat. Booyah.
Let's play "Guess What I Just Found In My Vagina?"
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
Yeah, I'm just gonna try to repress that and remember him for his big dick and perfect jawline.
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
Randomize
