My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
Dood you jacked it to warcraft. you can't come back from something like that
Trying not to fart in the comp lab is going to take everything i've got.
just hang any plant up and call it mistletoe.
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
one night of dollar margs at dinner and dollar beers at the bar later, i am throwing up in his shower and gurgling soap and water to kill the taste of sin in my mouth. dollar days need to stop endng like this.
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
OMG CHARGE YOUR PHONE I NEED TO KNOW IF THIS IS A GOOD PICTURE OF MY ASS
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
I really wanted to pound but her roomate was making mac n cheese n shit so I was trying to time her moans to the drone of the microwave
First of all she starred talking about God which immediately killed my buzz
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