I'm passing your future prison.
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
i'm forwarding you the dirty picture of that fat girl that likes me sent . i feel like since youre my best friend you should puke in your mouth too .
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
He's just a really nice guy who stuck his tongue in the wrong place.
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
You know, having a conversation evolve from attractive men to roommate orgies would be weird with anyone else, but you get me.
I ended up in bed with a man from London in a sorority wing I am not apart of. Tequila fucks you up
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
I'm just the girl with the breathalyzer keychain, and I embrace that.
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
Randomize
