I feel like she's the kind of girl who always ends up with guys who have oddly shaped dicks..
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.
Just realized these events may be related.
And it just wouldn't be a Thursday night without me having to cuss out a foreigner. The streak continues.
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
Sounds like sex on a twister board.
An idea that is both hilarious and intriguing...
No im just getting a road beer. You got my pants?
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
So, I actually said the words "but face tattoos are sexy"
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
the only fun thing to do here is drink beer and make mistakes. i feel like im in college again
Randomize
