Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
every single one of us blacked out. we woke up the next morning and it was like the night never happened. IT'S STILL A MYSTERY
So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
Fuck buddy has no power. Invited her over to use my shower. I love hurricaines.
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
As a heterosexual male nursing student, the odds are ever in my favor. My first semester has basically been The Horny Games. I've killed almost all of the competitors at this point.
Oh boy I hope we come out of this alive. And with clean prison records
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
I had just gotten to his place and was about to get some dick. No way was I gonna let her negative attitude affect my orgasm feng shui
Idk she seemed really innocent until she snorted that line of vicodin
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
Randomize
