MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
So apparently after he gets hammered, falls down a set of stairs and gets a concussion, he can still come home and find a way to play his guitar solo bullshit as loud as possible while i seduce my date...
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
Sounds good. Look at us. Planning sex like proper adults.
But he has cupcakes AND I'm guaranteed an orgasm. .. I feel like I shouldn't even have to actually make a decision here.
And Mike keeps telling Will that love at first sight is true and this is just a shit show. Help.
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
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