His facebook profile says he's interested in men, but i'm choosing to ignore that
I sharted during my first quiz and I couldn't leave, I went ahead and took the rest of the day off.
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
That's why you bone lesbian cage fighters and 45 year olds. To make life less boring.
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
I just found out why people like handcuffs.
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
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