Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
Jennifer and I just ate like 4 jello shots w/ a guy dressed as inspector gadget. We are still in the capital building btw
I love Texas.
I am not hooking up with him just to see what his penis looks like.
his mom found me in the closet hiding and the only thing i could think of was to sit there and wave.
the fda needs to get their shit together cause these four loko going away parties are gonna kill me
we've been together for three years, and i still get excited when i know i'm going to give him a blow job. it's that kind of love
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
You know I base where I go on the likelihood of me getting laid there. This includes work.
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
So were driving two hours to go to a club and Charles packed me a sippy cup full of tequila. He thinks of everything!
Randomize
