I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
i think at one point throughout the night i began eating birthday cake with a q-tip.
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
Having sex with her is like doing taxes, Happens once a year and I usually end up paying.
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
so we’ve decided to fuck for our own health
Randomize
