I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
Get out...Run...Or there's going to be a dick in your mailbox
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
DDing is such a bittersweet job, just got the entire history of this girls hookup career
seriously though jaeger and i are fucking done professionally
I'm seeing double so when I get home can we have a threesome?
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
i'm drinking soco out of a mickey mouse cup right now. i love it when college and my childhood meet in the middle.
One minute I'm going home the next I'm getting railed on the back 9.
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
so we’ve decided to fuck for our own health
Randomize
