I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
Its like Laser Tag, but more fun because it ends in sex
why does he think he needs to feed/take me out to get some ass? we are at a bar wasting my fucking time
I wish real life had facebook tags so i could figure out who all these people are
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
My mind doesn't wanna day drink but my heart does.
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
Randomize
