Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
He asked me to hum the Ghost Busters theme song as I was going down on him
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
She tried doing a backflip and ended up doing somersaults down the entire stair case.
Idk if you own a vibrator or anything but it's not smart to leave it in dad's car for him to find :/
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
Randomize
