I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
so there is either a lot of blood or a lot of wine in the shower....
we took shots then she made me eat a dill pickle with cream cheese wrapped in a piece of turkey.
he got kicked out of the bar for falling asleep on the mechanical bull.. then freaked on us cause we wouldnt go to the strip club with him
You know how hard it is to play cool while not drowning and appreciating a pair of butts at the same time?
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
So wise, so handsome, so good at oral sex.
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
You know getting black out drunk at a cats birthday party should have been my lowest point drinking wise but some how I feel like last night was some how worse
I'm not even the least bit surprised that I whored myself out for tiramisu
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
Stop making fun of my hookups!
Stop getting hookups that I can make fun of!
Randomize
