I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
If you're going to watch porn, can you atleast be considerate and watch it on my old laptop and not the new one?
ENDLESS SCROLLING ON TUMBLR WAS MADE FOR HIGH PEOPLE!
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
I'll have my TA grade the tests, she needs something to do anyway. Wanna race to the bar on segways?
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
And all I ask is the occasional "welcome home from work" blowjob.....and for you to fold my laundry. I hate folding laundry
We are 100% horrible people, and im extremely happy we are friends
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
Its like a glacier coming out of my asshole.
Randomize
