oh wait, my morality sensor is a little fucked up since I almost let my little sister's friend blow me.
Public safety found my id!
And i can't find my bra so i'm assuming they found my bra with my id which would explain the disapproving tone the lady on the phone had.
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
One reason I don't come to Portland. I saw 8 guys I have had sex with last night. At the same party.
By 8 I mean 9.
And by 9 I mean 10.
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
My liver just had a heart attack.
I knew you were blacked out when you started refusing beer.
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
I left your tip in your mailbox. Last night was amazing.
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
Randomize
