if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
He thanked me for being "his little blond pogo stick last night". Good thing?
And by the way, how is me getting head even remotely comparable to you fucking 3 guys?
The only downside so far to having a guy roommate is that when he's doing a walmart run, I just can't bring myself to ask him to pick up a pregnancy test for me. I feel like that's just too much too soon.
this is a mass text to all the people i smoke weed with. I have Mono, so if we've shared a bong/pipe. sorry man.
i robbed the continental breakfast last night
you're just mad cause i madeout with you while having a mouth full of chewed pretzels
It is official. It's the year of doin married chicks. Similar to the year of virgins but without all the baggage.
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
she looked at me completely serious and said "orgasms are 15% Stronger during a hurricane" and started to take all her clothes off
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
Drunk Karaoke resulted in only 8 injuries this time, so there is some improvement.
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
Randomize
