At a place where you lie naked on a big pile of pillows and they feed you lobster. You eat it with your bare hands.
Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
she was mad because i didn't remember our fuckaversary. fuck buddies are getting too demanding..
I have tardy slips. and absent slips if you don't show up to the bar. and trust me, if you are absent there will be a saturday school. I'm teaching you how to drink tonight.
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
Absolutely. I could drink and smoke that memory away in a matter of years at my current rate.
I wasn't a groupie because I didn't carry his guitar home
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
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