so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
just watched paranormal activity stoned. laughed the whole time and screamed when they turned on the lights. eating doritos. I love my life
Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
Im gonna need you to always be ready for drinking or this will never work. grow up peter pan.
The best part of last night was the women's softball game on the TV at the strip club
If it's up to me, I'll already have my pants on and walking out before he gets soft afterward.
My cousin is passed out in my room, so I just masturbated in my walk-in closet. Apparently I get off on danger. Make note of that.
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
he's such a nice guy...he deserves a bigger dick.
I fucked him on shrooms. His dick looked like a missile and he had snakes coming out of his ears. It. Was. AWESOME!
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
Randomize
