no you're not listening to me HE WANTED TO BRAID MY HAIR
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
Our brains have an emergency blowjob override switch. You saw proof tonight.
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
See,its just the last time this situation happened I ended up hiding in a closet on my birthday
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
I'm driving home wearing one sock, boxers, and a tee shirt. That's how good it was
i cant believe the cop was fine with you saying no we are in a hurry when he asked to search your car
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
I either have a problem or a really good solution... I just ordered my homecoming dress off of a website that sells forplay outfits.
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