Bel-fucking-mar, this place has more popped collars than a Hollister catalog
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
did the walk of shame through a baseball field. .A little league game was going on. Proceeded to buy a hot dog at the concession stand. the looks were priceless.
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
do you think semen can infect my impacted wisdom tooth
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
Still drunk. lying on the floor just rubbing my cats nipples
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
Thanks for going with me today. It’s been a long time since I bought bra and panties because of a guy
It’s called “shopping for lingerie” and it’s one of the many exciting and sexy things that follow a divorce, along with sexting, sleepovers, and orgasms
But, our next lesson is picking up a younger guys at the bar!
Randomize
