I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
she starting giving me head in the taxi..the driver told her to stop..she looked up, said "I'm the birthday girl", and kept on doing what she was doing.
When health care reform is passed, I'm throwing a kegger
You are the reason we need health care reform
she got to the point every few minutes she checked to see if her boobs were still there.
speaking of graduation plans, i'm blacked out eating sausage
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
Handicvap rails on the toilet atre soooooo fuckin handy right nmow.
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
Stop giving guys blow jobs because you're no good and it's messing up my sex life. Word gets around & then they think it's me and don't believe me when I say I have a twin. Learn to stuck dick right.
What's his name?? He crossfits 6 times a week, works in finance & is into the occasional felony class drug. His name is irrelevant in order to know if I wanna bone him again.
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
Randomize
