your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
I can't. I can't get out. He cooked me food. And made me jager bombs. And painted a glow in the dark smilie face on my boobs
You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.
She tried to leave the threesome and I heard you yell "Hey! We don't quit at halftime!"
So if I tell her fire is hot and it will burn her... she's probably just going to keep throwing her vagina at it huh?
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
That bottle of wine took a part of my soul with it.
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
What can I say I sleep with 40 year old Cougars because my mother gave me away at birth and apparently that's why says my therapist
I legit feel like I had sex with Joey Fatone. Is that weird?
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
Randomize
