i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
Dude, TWO hot chicks on jeopardy tonight. gonna be a good one
Dude, I am so turned on right now. Hot chick with glasses from brooklyn is absolutely crushing right now, taking whole categories. might beat off to jeapordy...
do another line during during the commercial and make the magic happen during double jeopardy.
Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
You are missing out on the best boobs in town right now
He gave me a promise ring. He promised that he will imagine me as every girl he fucks in college.
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
So would it be tacky to offer my services as a future attorney as an engagement gift for her?
I NEED YOU TO TELL ME ITS OKAY TO BE THIS HIGH
Yes
O.K.
Is "when in doubt date the guy with the bigger dick" a good philosophy?
Lets now bow our heads and think of girls with ex boyfriends who were great at fingering them. That's so sad.
omg girl... i cut your hair last night. tell me it looks okay!? i saw hair on the counter and i said ohhh nooo
As much as I hate to admit it, some day ill need a man because I can't open jars myself and you can't 69 a dildo
Like I don't even know how to respond to this?
Randomize
