where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
Dude, I'm so high in the forest and I think I'm in a bear den.
we were having sex in the shower and he dropped me. try explaining THAT to your concerned little brother
he started yelling "squirt for me" then his girlfriend knocked on the door and told us to keep it down
i'm not really understanding how she couldn't figure out it was him
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
Yeah I hope so. Definately just saw two freshmen in very authentic togas and cotton ball beards. This new class is stepping it up.
i think that dennys waitress has my boxers
It was all cool until he grabbed my vag and started screaming: THIS IS MINE.
I've watched enough of my roommate's imported Japanese satellite to know when the exchange students are calling me a whore.
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
My legs have surpassed "hairy" and entered the territory of "furry". Maybe I should just suck it up and shave already
No now I'm curious!
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
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