i effin hate jeff goldbloom.
but i totally would still bang him
he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
in spanish class. the girl next to me asked what Galapagos were. i told her they were islands. now she thinks Galapagos means islands in spanish
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
Had to crawl to the kitchen this morning cuz I was too hung over but really wanted fruity pebbles. yes. I ate fruity pebbles on the kitchen floor.
Thank you for not boning my boss.
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
Do you understand how hard it is to go down on a guy underwater? Didn't think so....
I need an inhaler full of pot for all of this breathless rage.
I spent the entire night stroking his hair. He was cool with it. Never thought a ginger stoner would help me work through my social anxiety but here we are.
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
The fact our science teacher from high school was buying us drinks and hitting on me doesn't matter.
I feel like your boyfriend deserves to know that you're a lesbian.
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
Randomize
