And then I said "flip over. I want to show you something i learned in Afghanistan."
And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
Hannah wants to know if she cant borrow your stats notes because she threw up on hers.
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
This is love.
Which part? The alcoholic cupcakes or the lesbian st paddys day party?
no dude I'm not doing anything bad to her...remember she's always the DD she has blackmail material on literally all of us
If it's up to me, I'll already have my pants on and walking out before he gets soft afterward.
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
Well, let's just say, I got that eye patch like we were joking about
I just fucked her in the corner of an ally while holding a large pizza waiting on a pledge for a ride.
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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