Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
Their house warming gift for us was a half case of keystone and getting the cops called..
i've hooked up with him and three of his roommates and not a single one of them knows about it..think its safe to say i found the silver lining in a boys inability to communicate
He wore a Medeval Times crown while I gave him a BJ
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
There was a tour on campus today, and there were two girls i went to high school with in the group. They saw me and ran up to me as i was unlocking my door. when i opened it, kate was laying in a pile of glitter and beer cans. We need to reevaluate.
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
You know more about his cock specs than his childhood. Proud of you
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