just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
We went to red robin and there was a 15 minute wait so we went and fucked in the car. Quickies, endless fries, and a mascot handing out balloons- this is literally the night of my dreams.
I thought he was joking about the hundred beer challenge until two guys showed up with a camera and boom mic. This cabin party is going to be fucked
i can now proudly say that ive peed off of a balcony overlooking the pacific ocean AND a balcony overlooking the atlantic ocean
Last night was the twilight zone. We hungout with our 45 year old future selves and tried to fuck everything with a dick. Lets move forward from this.
I sat on the ground outside wawa chain smoking and telling two strangers about my sex life. I also accepted Rick James Bitch and Celine Dion as their names.
Remember that time we got drunk tomorrow
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
Well I think won that argument, as the cops were leaving, they offered me a ride to the airport
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
Oh my god the guy at DQ just gave me the number 69 and winked at me
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
Randomize
