haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
We removed her tutu and her cape, so there's no risk of her strangling herself.
I'm blazed about to take my 8am final. Another girl is too. We just looked each other in the eyes. She's my soul sister.
I might be a bit. I accidently started hot boxing the bathroom. I'm just gonna go with it.
His thanks his mom for not having an abortion at his wedding toast. I love frat weddings.
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
I wrote an entire paper in under an hour about The Nightmare Before Christmas. I was also high as shit and pretty sure I dedicated half the page to the animation but still.
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
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