i have a bunch of little boys around me trying to hit on me
dont be selfish, show some boob
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
So I managed to get the bitch who has been copying off me all semester in History to copy the names of Pokemon towns off my test.
Feeling better?
I can stand long enough to do the dishes finally. Been trying that all day.
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
I want to go to a gay rodeo for my cross country road trip. It'll be like my very own homo country boy pilgrimage to the holy land.
So I'm guessing that puking on a camper is a straight path to instant termination?
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
Left my house last night with a girlfriend, $200 in my wallet, and 10 finger nails. Came home with no girlfriend, an empty wallet, and 9 1/2 finger nails.
Yea, I had a bad night too aha
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
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