Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
come outside for a special surprise it involves huge boobs
I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
Packed at 6 am completely wasted. Damage assessment: 12 pairs of socks (no underwear), a flashlight, 3 shorts, shot glass, 8 sweaters, puff paint, one sneaker.
I use him for alcohol and he uses me for sex. This is the closest thing to love i could imagine
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
btw my ex came by last night and saw the pregnancy test intructions. awkwarrrrd.......
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
So I woke up alone in the hotel room clutching a bible to my chest. Explain, please.
Being a fine ass woman in a world full of fuckboys is the realest struggle I've ever known.
Wanna bang and Pregame work? I know you're the manager just promise to not fire me
Randomize
