you keep denying me to hang out, should i take a hint?
you keep asking me after midnight, should i take a hint?
My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
she added me on facebook and her celebrity doppelganger is rosie odonnel. FUCK
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
Ya but I plan to getting arrested more towards the end of summer
I ate her out for so long I might actually shit a vagina
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
I remember looking at his body and thinking wow you have a body sculpted by Jesus himself. Still not sure if I said that out loud or not
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
Hahahaha. He sent me a dick snap in the lululemon stockroom. What is life. If this works out, this could benefit everyone....
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