she kept checking the clock when she was giving me head and at midnight she said she had to stop because she cant eat meat on fridays is that bitch serious
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
I think the guy in front of me just puked in a styrofoam cup.
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
Sure. But we have to be quiet.
Ninja mode activated
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
Please make sure you have solid number of friends around you that wouldn't be afraid to break a bottle and stab someone. If you're planning on drinking all of that, you're going to need a safety net.
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
I know where his drugs are but not my pants
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
Randomize
