she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
If she doesnt understand your inherent need to teabag an emo chick, do you really want to be with her?
You refused to come over and kept yelling that you were gonna sleep on a car
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
Well I was going to go home but vodka happened.
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
You could totally spank that new found Catholicism out of him.
should i feel bad about fucking you on my front lawn the day before you set me up with your best friend?
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
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