Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
Is it bad to use cherry nyquil as substitute for grenadine? Because i just went there.
Nah, totally cool. It already has the alcohol in it.
$1.99 mimosas n bloodys til 3. Happy hour starts at 4. We're gonna ride the mechanical bull to kill the hour inbetween.
Please take video.
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
We made a water bong out of a wine bottle... Being an architect major finally payed off.
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
I've started a list of places i want to drink. To go along with the list of places i want to have sex. Lincoln's log cabin is on both.
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
I may have dislocated my hip getting fucked on the bathroom counter
Randomize
