im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
Fuck?...well quicky, i have to study...unless you can read my book while i bang you, then it can last four chapters
I can be that talented
Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
what's not responsible about a pool full of beer?
How can he have such a manly penis and baby hands?!
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
Maybe it's the vicodin, but all I wanna do is hunt wild hogs.
IT WAS SO BIG. I FORGOT GOD MADE THEM LIKE THIS.
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
Don't ever feel guilty about what you put in your mouth best advice my gma ever gave me lmao
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
Randomize
