can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
as she was beating the hell out of his ex, she screamed prison rules, and smashed her head with a beer bottle. I'm oddly afraid yet so attracted to her now.
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
IS SOBER OCTOBER A THING?? WTF WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE?
I appreciate alcohol much more now that I have to be sober sometimes
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
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